Then, like the very next day, I realised I will hate myself, i will regret it, i will cry and weep and moan and complain, if i don't do something art related. 

I cannot deny it's call. I know i may not be the best at art and most of the time i'm too lazy to even sketch. I have a pathetic amount of artwork that i've completed out of passion,w hich makes me wonder how can i even say i love art.

Which is why i need that push, that drive. Or else i'd forever be someone who had maybe a bit of talent, but let it go untapped, potential left unrealised, and all that strong vibrant ideas in my head will remain just at it is: ideas in my head. Unrealised, unaccomplished. 

I will forever hate the last two years doing art cuz i came in with so much drive and amibtion, only to have it smothered by that fucker, until it fucking wasn't mine anymore but his. Fuck you, fuck your attempts at promotions, fuck your desperate desire for grades. I gladly disown my bloody project, i fell nothing for it, because you tempered too much with it. I disown it, even though that means I've been doing nothing for the past two years. In reality I haven't really, have i? I feel so, so, so much more for the less than perfect pieces I left behind in AI, then I did last september. 

Phew, ok that was intense. I didn't mean to unleash that but oh well. When i think that any slim chance of gettin myself to a art/design related course means that i would need to get a letter of recommendation, I WANT TO CRY. 

So where was i? Yeah, my need to do art. Btw i don't mean fine art. Fine art is a dead thing. I want to do design. Any kind of design. I don't care. 

Everytime I read up about some overseas university offering some seductive art course, I have this desperate desire to BE THERE, in that course. And when i see friends of mine overseas, doing design/art! (one parsons design of paris, the other goldsmiths fine arts in london), i get this overwhelming stab of jealously. THESE ARE MY PEERS MAN. I was from the same art courses as them, and they're doing what i really want to do, what is very, very VERY impossible for me do. 

I have no sponsors. 

Applying (recommendation letters and portfolios i don't feel it's mine aside) and getting accepted is one thing. Paying the bloody tuition fees....is another. 

I finally realised why my mother is so irked by the government giving scholarships and tuition susidies to foreign students like it's peanuts. 

THEY GET IT SO EASILY. Even if they don't come in on scholarship, the foreign student fee is SO CHEAP, compared to what a singaporean has to pay to go overseas. Btw both my friends are there not on scholarships, btw which is insanely difficult to get and it comes with bond somemore, but they're there on the goodwill and generous pockets of their paretns. So, i wonder,  WHY. WHY FUCKING WHY DO FOREIGN STUDENTS GET A CHANCE TO GET BETTER EDUCATION THEN US, THE REAL CITIZENS???? Who, precisely, is this government meant to protect?? 

And for the record, is our education system really THAT prefect and wonderful and flawless??? So many top students and rich students would rather go overseas then to study here la, that speaks for itself right. And the foreign students that are coming in?? They're here either cuz 1)their country doesn't have a good education system in place 2) they're happily using the governement's kind goodwill and genorsity as a stepping stone to get to the more desirable schools-yes you got it- overseas. 

And and and and. This is just a general complaint. Now about my plight. 

WHERE ARE THE ART COURSES IN SINGAPORE. Ok fine the government is currently expanding it but now?? 

The grass is greener on the other side, but i'm stuck on this one. 

I'm rather tempted to go to poly. (NYP industrial design. That's the course I wanted to go to after o levels, but my mum insisted on JC)  Fight for a retardedly high GPA (should have relatively less problem right? competeing with younger classmates? Oh wait group work, die.), expand portfolio like crazy, grab whatever overseas opportunity/scholarship and run. That'll take three years. 

Or I could just give up art, go into econs/business, and run, anyway. 

Yes, the grass is greener on the other side, and i'm working my way there. One way or the other. 

haiting, the grass on the side you're doing, btw, is all burnt, literally. HAHA.