I'm sleeping on the average of 12 hours a day. That's like half the day gosh. Even though I may wake up when the alarm goes of, I'm dead tired and snooze till I've slept for 12 hours. 

This is beyond disturbing.

How the HELL can i sleep so much??!

Ok for one thing, I have no motivation to wake up. No school, which is a good thing as I barely survived on 4 hours of sleep in JC and that was horrible. NO JOB bloody hell i hope i get a hell lot of camps in feb! And although I have like a billion things i want to try and do since i have so much of free time, i am master of procrastination. 

I hate myself for procrastinating to such an extreme. RAAAH. 

Another more omnious reason is... depression?? 

In a way I'm quite scared this year, cuz I hate change, I hate new environment, I hate growing up. I'm terrified that things will go bleak and sour like it did after my o level results, and I don't mean academically. Then again I'm assured that at least I'm more ready for change now then when i was 17. I definitely grew up the most then, even though it's the suckiest year of my life. Still, it's a scary thought. 

I realised I'm not eligible for most scholarships that would allow me to take up product design overseas. BLEEGH. And that's IF i get good grades for A levels too, since I have like 9 pathetic credits (minus one cuz i don't take chinese??!) and most scholarships ask for 11 or at least 10. 

WAH LAO i didn't not taking chinese would make such a difference la. STUPID. 

Nevertheless the scholarship that would really fit product design is the national arts council or design singapore one, both which require a strong portfolio. Which i don't have. WAAAAAH. 

Applying overseas is so complex and daunting man. Haha. Who am i kiding. Applying it is like buying lottery. There's like no way I'm studying abroad. I'm stuck here in singapore man. 

Which really makes me consider SMU since it allows plenty of overseas opportunity....

But after talking to Cress I really feel a need to, as the cliche saying goes, "to follow your heart" and do something I really like and want and work up from there. The way Cress is (still) so excited and loving his course (nus architecture) really makes me jealous, really makes me want to go there too despite having serious doubts of career prospects- how many architectures can get well paid out there anyway huh??!- and I know it is going to eat me inside out if I do something else non art related. 

Bugger. 

Sigh wait for the result then. I'm regretting not working harder already.